A lot of love to give ...

While we're about a month away from starting our alternative approach to pregnancy, we can't help but to hope for a miracle in the mean time. However as each day, week and month passes, it makes me wonder, "what will we do if it just doesn't happen for us?" While Kauhi says we'll travel and enjoy our time together, there's a piece of me that just wouldn't be complete. Kauhi and I have a lot of love to give - so naturally when the news about Sandra Bullock adopting a child from New Orleans hit the news today, the idea of adoption flooded my thoughts ... again.

Our initial conversation about adoption came up a couple of years ago in the event none of the treatments worked - although I did most of the talking. To my surprise, our family was split on the idea of adopting a child unless it was a niece or nephew, someone who shared our bloodline - or at the very least a child of Hawaiian decent. Soon enough though, the idea became a footnote at the end of all fertility conversations with friends and family - adopting was only a consideration after all other avenues were explored ... but a lot has happened over the past couple of years and I'm scared.

I'm now 35, my mother is gone, I'm helping to care for my elderly father, and I know the damage fertility drugs can do to a woman's body, the side-effects and the emotional burden the process involves - we've been through it all before.

While adoption comes with its own challenges (last I checked, it would require an entire year's salary) it's hard not to think about the millions of children that could thrive in a loving home, our home.

I think about what it would be like to see the little one for the first time - I'm sure it doesn't quite compare to giving birth, but it's really a "birth" in its own right. This child, this little being who may have ended up in the worst circumstances is given a "second birthday" with a family who can give him/her the loving environment every child deserves. Perhaps someday, if it is meant to be, after we're done with all the doctor appointments, needles and pills Kauhi and I will know the joy of celebrating a "second" birthday with a child of our very own.

The husband

His name is Kauhi, he's my best friend, my rock, my reason and my husband. I often think about how my infertility affects him. Over the past eight years he's been there every step of the way ... countless doctor appointments, procedures, medications and failed pregnancy tests - each day reassuring me that if we never have a child, it's ok ... that we'd fill our time with traveling and enjoying our family and friends, yet I could see in his eyes he was just as disappointed as I was ... something inside of me hurts so much for him.

While it sounds extreme, there are many nights I lie awake thinking of how I'm failing as a wife - as a woman - the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with. I always thought the least I could do was give him a child, a little one with his eyes, his smile and his kindness. When we said "I do" eleven years ago, it never occurred to us that having a family would be a miracle in the truest sense of the word.

Soon enough we'll find ourselves back eight years, popping what I hope will be the "miracle" pills my body needs ... and while we're hopeful, I'm terrified that I'll disappoint him yet again.

New beginning

Three days ago I opened my Facebook page and I cried. Nothing was wrong or out of place, but it was the first time my heart crumbled inside my chest - I was moved to tears by something so beautiful ... so amazing.

A friend and high school classmate, Jessica Ke`ala Kim-Campuspos is one the most talented artists I've ever known - as far back as I can remember her talent was always something that left me and everyone around me in awe ... Monday was no exception.

Her piece titled Mother & Child Reunion (above) touched my core on a couple of levels ... the absence of my mother is heart-wrenching and my longing to be a mother is suffocating. However, something in this piece inspired hope in me. Jessica's blog explains her inspiration was the Kumulipo - the creation chant of Papa (earth mother) and Wakea (sky father) telling the story of life's beginnings - Jessica mentions the sun and rain as earth's nourishment ... with earth mother cradling new life.

It's the new beginning personified in this piece that affects me so much. I've learned in the past few months that the grief, sorrow and tears I've shed for my mother is making way for a new hope and a new beginning and some day we hope a new life ...

This is where I have to believe "everything does happen for a reason." Many won't agree with me, but in this instance it's what ignites hope in the deepest part of me - the part I thought might disappear after the worst six months of my life. Many will ask "how can an art piece impact you this much?" I believe if someone creates something with a talent they've been gifted with, and it speaks to you on a personal level ... on a spiritual level, then you were meant to see it and it was meant to touch you.

Thank you Jessica for sharing your amazing talent with all of us and for giving me the chance to experience something so beautiful.

Just believe

I've never been a very religious person - but it doesn't mean I don't have faith. My mother was raised Catholic and my father is Protestant - but they decided to let their children choose a religion when we got older. While I never really got around to it, I do know I believe in God, I pray where ever I find myself on any given day and I try to do the right thing. I guess if I had to describe myself, I'd say I'm spiritual, plain and simple.

Having said that, when the opportunity presented itself to have our home blessed by a dear friend, I jumped at the chance. I've always believed that there's a lot to be said about someone who wants to give of themselves - especially on a spiritual level, if you have good and pure intentions, blessing a home is a beautiful gift and I was eager to receive such a blessing given the last few months.

Our friend has been bestowed with a gift of intuition, and positive energy and I was confident that we made the right decision. However, when she began to share what she saw and felt in our home, I had to open my mind beyond bounds I've ever had, but I was willing to hear what she had to say.

She shared that my mother was here with us, she's happy and at peace. We're told she's with relatives who've passed, there's an older, happy man who stays in our guest bedroom, the mammogram was a wake-up call, we'll get pregnant naturally and there was one spirit whom my mother watches over that has not been born yet, a little boy ... supposedly our little boy. I didn't know what to think - my skepticism grew, yet I held on to the possibility that it could be true ... something in me said I should.

Now whether anyone reading this believes it or not, it's the hope and the slightest chance that I cling to. Whether she can truly see and feel things is subjective, I'm well aware of that, but it's my faith that allows me to think it's possible.

After she left, I had time to think ... and as I recall the first negative pregnancy test, the first failed artificial insemination, the first failed in-vitro, it's the hope and the chance that it would work the second, third and fourth time that allowed us to persevere ... I have to believe anything's possible.

Wake up call

What an experience. As I returned to the Kapi`olani Breast Center, changed into the spa-like robe and took a seat in the waiting area I glanced around the room and saw beautiful women - young and old, Asian, Caucasian and Polynesian, each of us anxious to find out what our futures held - in that moment I realized how important it is for us to get to know our bodies, especially our breasts.

I'm happy to report after today's tests, there's no mass, just one small cyst that's not life-threatening. I've been instructed to get another mammogram in six months - because of the dense tissue in my breasts, I may be more susceptible to suspicious growths in the future, but for now, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It didn't hit me how much I wished my mother could've been there with me today until I met one of the women in the waiting room. She had piercing blue/green eyes, wore a shade of mauve nail polish my mother would've liked and she had a smile that I'm sure in her "day" would light up a room ... and then she spoke. It hit me like a mac truck, she was German, had an accent to match and sounded just like mom. We talked briefly about the wait time and I made her a cup of water all while exchanging reassuring glances and smiles ... but her concern for me was genuine ... I never got her name, but I want to thank her for her kindness and I wish her the best.

During the minutes I waited for my results, I learned that 85 percent of suspicious mammograms turn out to be benign growths, cysts and dense tissue, that benign tumors are common but one in eight women will be diagnosed with cancer.

While I know things could've gone a very different way today, I want to commend breast cancer survivors everywhere - your courage is inspiring. The last three days filled with "what ifs" and "why me's" was a taste of reality ... and a reason for my renewed commitment to being the best wife, daughter, sister and friend that I can be ...

A good friend thanked me today for blogging about my experience, that it's a good reminder for all of us to get checked ... I have my experience to thank ... while this isn't a part of "our journey" I had bargained for, it's a lesson learned, a wake-up call I can thank the mammography team at Kapi`olani's Breast Center for.

Happy Birthday to me ...

I'm 35 today. As we began the process to begin fertility treatment, I was instructed to get a baseline mammogram, considering my mom just died from cancer. However, I thought getting one wouldn't be something I needed to think about till I was at least 40, but I'm all about preventative measures ... so off to the breast center I went.

I asked around about what to expect with a mammogram and I got an array of "not so bad" stories to "you're going to cry." As I arrived at the Kapi`olani Breast Center I thought ... I'll get this done and I'll be good for a year. After watching my breasts twisted and turned into positions I thought were humanly impossible - I left with my red rose (courtesy of the Breast Center) and looked forward to celebrating my 35th year of life with friends and family.

After a wonderful lunch with friends, I got "the call." I need to go back for more tests ... they saw two nodules, one in each breast. All I could think was "could this really be happening?" My emotions got the best of me and I sobbed at my desk ... of course I don't know much right now, but all I could do was think the worst.

Of all days ... this wasn't only my 35th birthday, it was my first birthday without my mother ... what I would've given to hear her annual "happy birthday my girl," but I especially missed her after getting that phone call - she's who I called when something went wrong or right, my voice of reason - my best friend.

I'm told more tests will happen on Thursday and I'll find out if I truly have a reason to fear my future. My mind continues to race. I've thought about everything ... from could this really be happening to will this stop me from pursuing my dream of one day becoming a mother?

If I have to look at the glass half-full - early detection is key even if it turns out to be nothing!

All clear

It was sort of a surreal moment in imaging today ... surrounded by two doctors, one radiologist and a nurse I watched as my uterus made its debut on interactive TV ... well not really, but it was weird nonetheless. Doctor explained that my fallopian tubes looked "good," no blockage! A small victory as far as my baby-making "issues" go. As I laid here, all I could think of was ... hmmm, so that's where the baby would be ... wow, wouldn't that be something?

After a few uncomfortable moments my doctor explained that everything looks normal except for some polyps which means another stint in same-day surgery come April ... he said they not only get in the way of conception, but they harbor a host of other issues ... something I can definitely do without.

My blood pressure was through the roof ... had to stop one of my medications in case we conceive ... but I think my anxiety got the best of me ... feeling better now - but makes me wonder if I can't handle the pressure of a simple imaging test, how can my heart handle carrying a baby? Can't get worked up about it now ... one thing at a time. wooooohhhhhsssssaaaaaa.