Six, eight, five, four, five ... wait, what am I doing? I can't tell you how many times in the last few months this has happened to me, good or bad news to share, I always called mom. The realization hit me again today, I wouldn't get an answer. Here's what I would've shared with her ...
I entered the doctor's office feeling a little apprehensive, after all two weeks ago I was laid up in a hospital bed, hooked up to i.v. antibiotics and pain medication after another bout with diverticulitis. Another part of our journey I didn't count on. Now some of you may know what this condition is, but many of you don't, and believe me, you don't want to. Chalk it up to bad genes passed down from generations before, bad eating habits for most of my childhood and young adult life - no matter what the cause, it's a pain in the neck - well stomach to have. Diverticuli are little pockets that form in your large intestine over time. When one eats nuts, deep fried foods, stalky vegetables, seeds or anything hard to digest (and tasty j/k) these pockets act as safe havens for food particles to breed bacteria ... hence the infection! Altering your eating habits, plenty of water and exercise is said to be the remedy to keep attacks at bay - it's true, but I'm human and I might've turned a blind eye to a seed or two.
Fast forward two weeks and I'm feeling pretty darn good. I'm eating a normal diet again, almost done with the antibiotics and no more pain. Life's looking pretty awesome and now it was my turn to see the doctor.
I sat down and she proceeded to show me actual photos of polyps they pulled out of me in June. Not pretty and there were so many of them. Time is of the essence she said. These things grow back and until I don't have a uterus anymore, I'll have to keep dealing with them. "Well, call us next week when your cycle starts and we'll officially begin," were her last words to me as she held the door open. That's it? So the process commences almost immediately? I forgot how exciting it could be, the anticipation was a little intoxicating and my "woe is me, I'm a diverticulitis sufferer" went right out the window - life's moving on and I'm going with it. However, for some odd reason, the first thing that popped into my head was "I need to call mom and let her know." I'm not crazy, well at least I don't think so - but it felt real. As I bid the office staff an enthusiastic "aloha, see you folks next week," I began dialing mom's number on my cell phone ... and then it hit me as I hit the down button on the elevator - "Liz, you won't get an answer, girl get a grip!"
I could feel the tears well up, but I held back - I was on my way to meet Kauhi for lunch and I didn't want him to see me cry. When the elevator opened, I entered and stared at my phone thinking how I could be so detached from reality. I've had friends and family say it's happened to them - but it's different when it's you ... somehow we all think we're immune to episodes like this, but now I see I'm no superwoman, no one special, just a girl who misses her mother more than words could ever say.
So mom, even though you can't pick up the phone, I know you're listening, watching - I hope you'll get to see some amazing things happen over the next few months. As you would say, "C'mon, life goes on my girl, you can't watch it pass you by."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
You may say I'm a dreamer
Dreams. Some nights it scares me how real they are. I swear I can smell, taste and feel everything. I've felt the water I was swimming in, my mother's hand that I was holding and the scent of my favorite flower - Pikake. Lately, the dreams I've had are vivid and intense, some worth repeating, others I beg to forget.
It seemed so real. I found myself on the sidewalk in front of the house I grew up in. I could feel the sun and the fragrance of newly cut grass and the gasoline from my father's lawnmower wafted through the air. I looked down and under the gray blouse I was wearing was my pregnant belly. I could feel the excitement, you know that beat your heart skips when you see a policeman on the highway at the last minute or when you're waiting for that phone call from "the one." I couldn't believe it. I looked up and my mother was standing in the garage with a smile on her face, but I couldn't move and when I did, she got farther away. I turned to see two children, about 3 years old, a boy with brown hair, fair skin and green eyes ... the little girl had a ponytail wore a red sweater and had a backpack on that was way too big for her, but I never saw her face. I followed them as they walked down the steep road leading away from my house. I hurried to catch up. The little girl turned a corner and disappeared ... the little boy kept turning back and gesturing for me to hurry. As we both turned the corner there was a sea of children on a playground and Kauhi sitting in the middle of them all. I turned for just a second, and when I looked for the little boy, I caught a glimpse of him joining the other children - and then he was gone. As I went to Kauhi who sat solemnly on a bench - my pregnant belly was no more, as if it was never there. We cried together.
Gasping for air I woke up to find my pillow wet from my tears. While many of my dreams are happy ones, memories with friends and family - it's the ones that show me what could be that hurt the most. Part of this journey is being able to dream - to think that what's been impossible, could be possible. I think about what that dream meant, why would I be given a glimpse of something I want so much just to have it taken away? Do I take it as a sign, or a desperate attempt of my sleeping self to experience amazing things ... reuniting with my mother, talking on the phone with my Hawaiian grandmother and parenthood.
What ever the reason may be, I'm never afraid to close my eyes. While there's a chance a dream like the one I shared could invade my dreams again - it's the ones that will make me laugh, shed tears of happiness and experience amazing things that give me comfort - what ever happens in my waking life will be, dreams or no dreams, I've accepted that.
It seemed so real. I found myself on the sidewalk in front of the house I grew up in. I could feel the sun and the fragrance of newly cut grass and the gasoline from my father's lawnmower wafted through the air. I looked down and under the gray blouse I was wearing was my pregnant belly. I could feel the excitement, you know that beat your heart skips when you see a policeman on the highway at the last minute or when you're waiting for that phone call from "the one." I couldn't believe it. I looked up and my mother was standing in the garage with a smile on her face, but I couldn't move and when I did, she got farther away. I turned to see two children, about 3 years old, a boy with brown hair, fair skin and green eyes ... the little girl had a ponytail wore a red sweater and had a backpack on that was way too big for her, but I never saw her face. I followed them as they walked down the steep road leading away from my house. I hurried to catch up. The little girl turned a corner and disappeared ... the little boy kept turning back and gesturing for me to hurry. As we both turned the corner there was a sea of children on a playground and Kauhi sitting in the middle of them all. I turned for just a second, and when I looked for the little boy, I caught a glimpse of him joining the other children - and then he was gone. As I went to Kauhi who sat solemnly on a bench - my pregnant belly was no more, as if it was never there. We cried together.
Gasping for air I woke up to find my pillow wet from my tears. While many of my dreams are happy ones, memories with friends and family - it's the ones that show me what could be that hurt the most. Part of this journey is being able to dream - to think that what's been impossible, could be possible. I think about what that dream meant, why would I be given a glimpse of something I want so much just to have it taken away? Do I take it as a sign, or a desperate attempt of my sleeping self to experience amazing things ... reuniting with my mother, talking on the phone with my Hawaiian grandmother and parenthood.
What ever the reason may be, I'm never afraid to close my eyes. While there's a chance a dream like the one I shared could invade my dreams again - it's the ones that will make me laugh, shed tears of happiness and experience amazing things that give me comfort - what ever happens in my waking life will be, dreams or no dreams, I've accepted that.
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