Baby or not ...

Something's changed. I'll be the first to admit it - I'm not who I was six months ago, or six weeks ago for that matter. After all was said and done, I still wasn't pregnant - and for the first time in the 10 years we've been trying, I was okay with that.

Mind you, it hurt initially. That phone call from the doctor took the breath out of me for a few minutes and I struggled knowing Kauhi wouldn't be a dad anytime soon. But as the days and nights passed it got easier, the hurt went away - not entirely, but most of it. Something else replaced it. Call it what you want, but something was definitely different.

It's 3:15 a.m., Kauhi's in Lake Tahoe playing golf and I'm home enjoying some time with friends and for the first time in a long time I'm excited for our future - pregnant or not.

I have a great new job - while stressful, it's fulfilling and challenging, we'll finally get the backyard of our dreams, I'm spending quality time with my dad - getting to know the man I feared for most of my teenage and young adult life. I think it was in mom's plan all along - she needed me to see the man she met on the dance floor in that pub in Germany so many years ago.

But there's something in my heart that's changed - getting pregnant is no longer my priority - living life is. I've spent so many nights wishing and praying that we'd get our miracle. I've seen the unfriendly side of a needle way too many times to count and if I had a nickel for every doctor's visit, I'd have a pretty nice nest egg. I won't lie, my heart still skips a beat when I see a baby or I hear someone I know is pregnant - but I'm no longer devastated.

It's times like this, when it's quiet, when I can only hear the whisper of the ceiling fan above me, or the humming of the fridge that I think about how thankful I am for what I do have. A friend once told me that I have passion - I'd have to agree, when I commit to something I mean it, when I say something, it's truly how I feel and when I love, I love hard. Here's to a new found appreciation and enthusiasm for life - it's the only one I have. Baby or not, here I come!

What is meant to be ...

I had a feeling my blood test would come back negative, but I held out for the slightest chance that fate would be on my side this time - no such luck.

This would be the fourth artificial insemination I would do - by fertility treatment standards, that's not a high number, but by my sanity's standards - it's plenty.

After introducing the usual suspects of oral medications and ones I had to inject, it's only natural to think that I would conceive - high expectations for our first try in over four years.

Then there's the part of me that wonders why mom couldn't help this along. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I remember her telling me that would be her first order of business - to send our little one home. Don't get me wrong, mom's done plenty since she's been gone, including the wonderful opportunity I have at work now, giving Kauhi the patience to deal with me and giving me only what I can handle - perhaps that is why I sit here thinking about when we'll try again.

I was sad, more so for Kauhi than for me, but I can't dwell on it, I can't let my infertility define who I am, it's a part of me, and in the large scheme of things, I have to tell myself it's not the end of the world. Simply put, what is meant to be, will be - in it's own time.