You may say I'm a dreamer

Dreams. Some nights it scares me how real they are. I swear I can smell, taste and feel everything. I've felt the water I was swimming in, my mother's hand that I was holding and the scent of my favorite flower - Pikake. Lately, the dreams I've had are vivid and intense, some worth repeating, others I beg to forget.

It seemed so real. I found myself on the sidewalk in front of the house I grew up in. I could feel the sun and the fragrance of newly cut grass and the gasoline from my father's lawnmower wafted through the air. I looked down and under the gray blouse I was wearing was my pregnant belly. I could feel the excitement, you know that beat your heart skips when you see a policeman on the highway at the last minute or when you're waiting for that phone call from "the one." I couldn't believe it. I looked up and my mother was standing in the garage with a smile on her face, but I couldn't move and when I did, she got farther away. I turned to see two children, about 3 years old, a boy with brown hair, fair skin and green eyes ... the little girl had a ponytail wore a red sweater and had a backpack on that was way too big for her, but I never saw her face. I followed them as they walked down the steep road leading away from my house. I hurried to catch up. The little girl turned a corner and disappeared ... the little boy kept turning back and gesturing for me to hurry. As we both turned the corner there was a sea of children on a playground and Kauhi sitting in the middle of them all. I turned for just a second, and when I looked for the little boy, I caught a glimpse of him joining the other children - and then he was gone. As I went to Kauhi who sat solemnly on a bench - my pregnant belly was no more, as if it was never there. We cried together.

Gasping for air I woke up to find my pillow wet from my tears. While many of my dreams are happy ones, memories with friends and family - it's the ones that show me what could be that hurt the most. Part of this journey is being able to dream - to think that what's been impossible, could be possible. I think about what that dream meant, why would I be given a glimpse of something I want so much just to have it taken away? Do I take it as a sign, or a desperate attempt of my sleeping self to experience amazing things ... reuniting with my mother, talking on the phone with my Hawaiian grandmother and parenthood.

What ever the reason may be, I'm never afraid to close my eyes. While there's a chance a dream like the one I shared could invade my dreams again - it's the ones that will make me laugh, shed tears of happiness and experience amazing things that give me comfort - what ever happens in my waking life will be, dreams or no dreams, I've accepted that.