What is meant to be ...

I had a feeling my blood test would come back negative, but I held out for the slightest chance that fate would be on my side this time - no such luck.

This would be the fourth artificial insemination I would do - by fertility treatment standards, that's not a high number, but by my sanity's standards - it's plenty.

After introducing the usual suspects of oral medications and ones I had to inject, it's only natural to think that I would conceive - high expectations for our first try in over four years.

Then there's the part of me that wonders why mom couldn't help this along. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I remember her telling me that would be her first order of business - to send our little one home. Don't get me wrong, mom's done plenty since she's been gone, including the wonderful opportunity I have at work now, giving Kauhi the patience to deal with me and giving me only what I can handle - perhaps that is why I sit here thinking about when we'll try again.

I was sad, more so for Kauhi than for me, but I can't dwell on it, I can't let my infertility define who I am, it's a part of me, and in the large scheme of things, I have to tell myself it's not the end of the world. Simply put, what is meant to be, will be - in it's own time.