I'm not giving up. But this will be my last post to THIS blog. Our journey hasn't ended, but I have put it on the back burner for now - life is calling and I need to respond.
I realized while driving home that a year ago today I saw my mother for the last time. As they closed her casket that day - I felt a part of my heart go with her. Over the last year a lot has changed. Days following her funeral there were times I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, I'd go to work and barely function and amidst my heartache, I thought it would be a good idea to try for a baby again. This time things were different. Mom wasn't there to hear me talk about the shots, test results and doctors visits - having a baby meant a lot, but coping with mom's absence meant more.
It's been one whole year already. Our second Thanksgiving without mom came and went. As I looked out the kitchen window that day listening to family and friends talk and laugh, I missed her so much. It was seeing my father sit there without mom at his side that I realized I've been given a responsibility - one I didn't choose, it chose me.
While I was on Facebook today, a friend posed this very question: do you choose your kuleana or does kuleana choose you? I said kuleana chooses you.
My dad, family and work are my kuleana - having a baby right now isn't. Perhaps that's why it hasn't happened for us - deep in my heart I know I've been given a responsibility greater than I could've imagined. Alone and having a mind that diminishes a little each day, I need to make sure dad enjoys the years he has left - I need to be there for him now, spending time with him while he still knows who I am.
While trying again some time next year isn't out of the question - it isn't a priority any longer and as I've said in blogs past - I have a life to live and I can't do it pining for a baby. I'm needed elsewhere and so that's where I'll be. Enjoying my family, friends and the work I do.
My need for recording my life in writing is still intact, so look for a new blog detailing my life as a daughter, sister, wife and friend who loves a good laugh and detailing life's candid moments.
Liz...you are an wonderful person and an exceptional friend. It deeply saddens me so much that you haven't reached that goal of being a mommy yet (Brad and I think about you and Kauhi all the time), but I have tremendous hopes that it will happen for you when the time is right. Makes perfect sense what you have written in this blog (about your dad and all)-I'm one of those people that have a lot of 'a-ha moments'...and reading this was again one of those times. I can't imagine what sadness you went through losing your mom...but both your mom and dad are very lucky to have such a caring, loving, and devoted daughter like you. We love you guys!
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