A moment of weakness

I need to get something off my chest. It'll sound bad at first, but hear me out okay?

Am I making the right decision? Is this whole baby thing really going to be worth it? The last five days have been interesting to say the least. The Clomid did a real number on my emotions. Although I think I've been okay for the most part, it's had a knack for taking a little of my "happy" away. Oh and the "need" for "doing it" has been crazy ... and just the talk of "it" has me reeling! It's amazing what a tiny pill can do to your pituitary gland - the epicenter to all your hormones. Honestly, if my mind were a movie, it would be rated X! It's really rather distracting. Any warm-blooded human being would say this is a good thing, but the pressure of "doing it" can really hamper the excitement and the pure carnage of it all - if you know what I mean?

And to what end? I was told today that the follicles on my ovaries (where the eggs mature) aren't large enough. So fast forward 20 minutes and I'm walking out of the doctor's office with syringes, sharps container and Follistim ... a medication I need to shoot into my stomach once a day for 5 days to help those eggs mature. This should be old hat for me, including the side effects of Follistim which include boobs that have the potential to bust (no pun intended) right out of my blouse because of the synthetic hormones, that feeling you've had too much to eat that never goes away, confusion, dizziness and difficulty breathing. Even with these possible complications, I know I was 100 times more excited last time, so I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's all the work I have to do, the yard that needs tending to, the bills and my dad who needs my help to remember what day it is and what medications to take. I have a lot more on my mind these days ...

I can't explain it - perhaps overwhelmed is a good word? I'm sure I felt this way when we tried the last time, but I was 5 years younger and thought I had a lot of time ahead of me. Now I'm at an age where the risks are higher, our chances are lower and I'm ashamed to say, I was sort of getting used to our childless lifestyle.

Am I a bad person for thinking this way? I hope not. I'm sure any woman who has to inject herself with hormones on a daily basis to achieve a fraction of a chance to conceive goes through moments of weakness ... I guess this was mine.